Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Sunday, December 29, 2019

A year in the life of Marksville

I won't paint a pretty picture for you because this year was not full of happy stories in the least. We lost 10 friends and family this year. such a large amount to lose in a years time. Sadly most were from overdoses which just floors me that the epidemic has hit so close to home. A few died of old age or accidents. So many lives lost and I know some did not have a relationship with the Lord which makes it all that much heartbreaking.

For our family even though we feel blessed for what we have, we lost so much over the last year. My faith was really tested. Some of my readers who know a few years after my husband's accident when all of our savings had been depleted  and before his disability kicked in, (which took forever) we ended up separated and homeless for just shy of two years combined. After all of that we just found out in October after paying on our storage unit that it had been sold for 300.00. It had our personal papers, pictures, lifelong objects, etc. We had been paying on it for more then a year we have been in our apartment. They wouldn't let us take anything out till it was paid off so we were making monthly payments and extra for the overdue amount. The numbers seemed to never end. We went without in many areas trying to make these payments as what my husband gets for disability hardly covers the bills. A few times we had car repairs or upkeep that kept us from paying so that didn't help either. Then our van broke down and there it sits in our yard useless till we can get it fixed. Not sure how long that will take.

This may sound gloom and some days it is. I am often reminded of an item or more that we really need or used to have and I get angered. It doesn't last long but it hurts. I feel for those who have fires I do, but with this our stuff is somewhere so I know it is out there being used. We just pray that no one steals our identities with the information that was in the storage unit. I ask my readers that if they know someone is going to become homeless to offer a safe place for their belongings till they get back on their feet.

Don't get me wrong, some days I feel relieved to not have to worry about the things that were in storage we didn't need that were just taking up space. I know most of the things can be replaced, but for the items that have sentimental value, worth, or personal. They can't be replaced, and those hurt the most. When my husband got his disability the state took most of it because they were housing our family in motels which we understand but because they took so much we had just enough to get a used vehicle and a down payment on our apartment. There wasn't enough left over to get both storage units open. I even borrowed money to be able to just get our furniture out of storage and a few other things.

Sometimes people don't understand what others are going through or just how hard things can be. What is sad is there are many people who don't even have what we have and that is scary. This is why when we can we try to help others out even if it makes things hard on our family.

So yes a few bad and sad things happened in the last year but there were also great moments. We have a church family that cares for us. Our older children visit when they can. We have our grand daughter Lilly over a few times a month, and had her most of the summer too. We became grandparents to another grandson this last summer so we now have two grand daughters and two grandsons to love.

We were able to take part in a few outings with our family which was much needed. Our children took part in many opportunities in our town and with their friends families which kept them pretty busy throughout the year. They are also doing well in school. Dorothy loves to swim and even though she had to give up swim club due to our van breaking down looks forward to swimming again as soon as she can. Deanna is over half way through her Criminal Justice classes this year and loves the classes she takes and has a clear goal for what she wants in the future. My son has become Deacon of our Home Church, Samantha is still struggling but making strides in her life path, Bryan got into some trouble last year and we have yet to be able to track him down or hear from him so we have been keeping him in our prayers, last but certainly not least Nesie is doing well, has a job she loves and enjoys going to each day as well as a volunteer job she does in between everything.

Besides our health issues my husband and I are doing well, making the best out of each day. I was able to read many books this year and even joined a book club. Check out my reading log here. I don't get there every month but I do read the books and keep up with what they are doing. One of our favorite things to do is play Call of Duty together. We would love to play games like Apex and Fornite together but we only have one TV and game system, so my husband plays those. I am yet to learn. I know that sounds silly but it has become one of the things we do for fun.

I want to thank all of our readers, friends, family, subscribers, and of course all of the companies I have had the pleasure of reviewing products for, for all of your support. A heartfelt thank you for the last year and for the year ahead. May everyone find something to be thankful for even in the darkest of times.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

#BehindTheBlogger The Things I Should Have Said

My Mom, Dad, and Me

When faced with a terminally ill parent, family member, or friend there are always thoughts about what you should have said before they passed, or even asked.

For my it happens that my mother Frieda Graham died on this exact day in 2004. We all knew it was coming. When my father died she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. She had it for a while but just didn't voice it to anyone that she was having problems.

She decided against treatment she wanted to be with my father. Her decision was made, there was nothing we could say to change her mind. At first I thought everything was on my shoulders. Taking her to appointments, getting her medicine, taking care of my children, husband, home, while working. It all took a tole on me. That is until I was facing being ill once again myself.

The Dr.'s thought I had Cancer but after all of the tests were done they came up with I was taking on too much, the stress was literally killing me, so I was instructed to slow down while getting Hospice involved. Finally my brothers stepped into help out with her care which helped me out greatly, just in time for me to find out I was pregnant.

This gave my mother new life, she wanted to live and swore she was going to see that baby be born. The Dr. was thinking otherwise but her thinking was she was going to see it happen. Sometime during my pregnancy soon after a routine visit I stopped feeling the baby move, after a visit to the hospital we found that the baby had no heartbeat and had just stopped everything. This was February 9th, 2004.

From the day I lost the baby I didn't stop bleeding I was getting more sick by the day while keeping the news of the baby's death to myself and hearing my mother talk about the baby all of the time. I finally broke down and spoke to the Dr. and to Hospice they told me I had to tell her no matter how painful it was because they both knew she was only holding on so she could see that baby and it was unfair for me to lead her on with a birth that was not going to happen. 

So I told her. She cried, I cried, and we held each other. A month to the day on March 9th, 2004. My mother passed. Right in between my Father's Birthday March 5th, 1943, and their Anniversary March 15, 1969. March is a very hard month for me to say the least. 

Soon after I told her she ended up in the hospital and never came out. It was hard seeing her deteriorate so quickly. Three days before she died she heard a baby crying and she was telling my brother Timmy who wasn't even there to go and get Pam she fell and got hurt. She was apparently reliving her life at the time. When she was coherent. She had remembered my husband and myself being together and having our son but she didn't remember the girls so I kept showing her pictures of her grand children. It was hard.

The day before she died they called in everyone to come and see her. Kind of like her last respects I suppose. The worst part of it was telling her she could leave. Daddy was waiting for her. That I would be OK. 

What I would have said thinking back at it would be don't go, I need you, I am not OK without you. 

That  night before she died I went to give her a hug and leave and she wouldn't let me go so I ended up kneeling on a chair and slept with her all night. In the morning I told her I was going to go home take a shower, check on the kids, and I would be right back. 

While I was gone we got the call that she had passed. They told me she was holding on to life, ME, and she couldn't or wouldn't leave until I had left. I felt like I had let her down. I would have held on to her forever if I knew it would have kept her here longer. 

Today 12 years later I still have questions I want answered. There are things I want to say. There are things I would have done differently. No matter how sick I was I should have been with her every day. There is never enough time to spend with those you love. Time slips away to quickly leaving you with The Things You Should Have Said.

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